after visiting with…

my brother on tuesday i am somewhat relieved that i had the foresight not to go to the parents barbie. namely because i don’t do real good with drunks who annoy the crap out of me by repeating the same boozy complaints over and over.

ohh. just shut the fuck UP!

things do not appear to be travelling happily along in judy and mal’s marriage of a few months…been together for over twenty years and just recently got married…yeah fucked if i know why you would bother exactly after that amount of time. but have a sneaking suspicion it was done because another set of neighbours did it…you know how it goes, all that one-upmanship bullshit. but hey each to their own.

tho i just don’t see the point of clocking up thousands on a credit card just to stick it up someone else. which is exactly what they did…nothing but the [cough] best. pity judy didn’t spend some of the cash matching her neck and arm teeshirt reddish tan line to her strapless dress line. not a particularly alluring sight in a white wedding dress.

so judy got [more] legless and was taken home early on by their eldest daughter which left mal the opportunity to bleat openly about their marital problems. endlessly. repeatedly. again, glad i didn’t bother to go. as i quite like mal but probably wouldn’t so much after having to listen to it. that kinda talk makes me uncomfortable. who wants to have inside knowledge of their sex life or knowing that she has completely gone off her rocker concerning him watching tv.

tv programs that often show the semi-naked female form to which she gives him much grief about. apparently he couldn’t even watch the commonwealth games without her bitching that he was perving at the female athletes etc. maybe he should switch to the football channel to be on the safer side, big boofy blokes in footy shorts should calm her ire…but then again they have the cheer leaders huh.

oh well bet that was a happy household he went home to later on. eh.

so i am convinced…

after last nights phone message that my sisters mother smokes crack.

i made the *note to self* that i will no longer listen to messages on my phone at two in the morning…it’s not like i can return the call to workout the verbal hieroglyphics of said phone call…but does that stop me from replaying it in my mind trying to decipher it all…hell no.

my mum is mad and i love her heaps for it…funny old chook she is.

so in returning the phone call this morning all is sorted…mind you apparently the call was made thursday afternoon and i checked it this morning at two am…so how good am i aye. had the invite out to a barbie but declined after hearing the guest list…not that i would have really went anyway. but then again i kinda like to “watch” this particular guest. she is the typical mrs have a gossip-know-everything and as i have mentioned before i frigging love hearing the so-called goings on around the town.

when this woman was introduced to my brother who i will say without a *shudder* incestual [yes, yes bugger off little red squiggly line it is too a word...ha] thought in my head is quite a good-looking bloke and is bloody funny to boot. well old judy hooper just about creams herself in trying to get his attention and engage him in conversation.

now lemme tell you this women is pretty damn rough around the facial arena…oh okay tactfulness be-gone she is just plain old ugly i know she can’t help it but she is…and watching her do the old femme fatale look and actions is just too bloody funny. i hover between wanting to slap her to her senses or just pat her arm in a motion of “now c’mon…seriously judy, do you really think??”…but hell as i said she is great visual and audible fodder. plus it makes me laugh watching my brother have to deal with her…*cackle*.

i know that i make judy and her husband mal a wee bit uncomfortable with both mine and my ex’s presence at any of my families do’s…and hell no that is not the reason why i don’t often attend these functions…i just don’t go. but it is kinda weird to watch them be unsure of how to act around the two of us…all that feeling of having to take sides i spose…which is something my ex and i managed to NOT contend with…hell we still go shopping together and basically treat each other as we did when we were together…just without the occasional rubbing of wee-wees together.

now don’t get me wrong these are good people but damn they can be so in your face…i remember when we first moved up here and my ex was still working down in sydney during the week…well old mal and judy musta have thought i was lonely…lonely enough to enjoy seeing their car drive up thru the front paddocks gate in the early morning.

“mum don’t you like the hoop’s?”… “yes mate, just not at eight in the morning”

now the country hospitality is to have a cuppa or two then move on…one fuck-king morning i plied them with six…SIX cups in the space of two hours before they did indeed move on. i kept thinking…okay one more cup and then surely they will piss off.

the next morning i hid in the high windowed bathroom…fuck that, i can’t take that every morning visiting stuff. nor could i just straight up tell them to just bloody-well bugger off, as that would have hurt their feelings plus all that being friends of my parents blah blah and all. thankfully they eventually stopped the every morning visits…i kinda suspect they heard me knocking some bath salts clattering into the tub.

oh well aye.

whilst beating my meat tonight…

i was thinking back on what has been the highlight of my week thus far. it would have to be finding a total of nineteen pkts of chips in the advertised multi flavoured fifteen pkt bag. yep there were seven pkts of bbq instead of the normal three. guess someone was pissed at the company and was trying to eat away at their profits. all i can say is, well done mister/missus chip packer…please continue with yer pissiness whilst packing.

okay gotta go…my steak has cooked to within an inch of its life.

sent to me by my dad…

“This is great and takes a lot of skill towards the end so keep a steady hand.

Apparently only 1 in 10 people are able to finish it.

You need your sound on and turn it up loud.”

try it===>here

well shit aye…

did the shopping expedition, pretty uneventful. tho i was coughed on by a passing shopper and no the coughing wasn’t a reaction to a “uh oh” [heh heh jdee] from me…and yes i managed NOT to chase her down and roll over her with my fully loaded shopping trolley whilst berating her about her lack of basic frigging manners…but don’t you worry i remember her poorly dyed old pony-tailed head…she’ll keep…*wink*

so i made the effort and rocked on over for my brothers forty-third birthday barbie celebration out at the olds bush haven…yes i know yaay for me, beings that our younger sister wasn’t able to attend i thought i better make the effort so that at least one of his siblings was there.

anyway, we were sitting around on the veranda just yapping away when my aunty jiings started telling my brother and i that we are descendents of a lady by the name of alice nutter who was found ‘guilty’ of being a witch and was hanged in a public execution along with a few more “pendle witches” at lancaster gaol way back in 1612…

upon further reading turns out poor alice who happened to be a wealthy landowner appears to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time and got caught up in the witchiepoo accusations. apparently, my great aunt who still lives in england had sent my bad granny all this information regarding our family history quite a few years back and bad granny burnt it…bad bad granny!

but that’s not all that was revealed…

they [my mum and my aunt] told us something that i have suspected for a very bloody long time…ever since i saw a photo of their father [who was killed when my mum was just sixteen]…my grandfather’s grandmother [perhaps great grandmother i forget...all these great and grands] was an undiluted aboriginal. HA!…i fucken KNEW IT….*cackle*…hmmm, as i type i am plotting my land reclaim somewhere…but hell that does explain my brothers colouring [he has that lovely olive skin] and explains a second cousins nose…*giggle*.

so yeaah…what an interesting afternoon…and lookout anybody that pisses me off i will be able to ‘curse’ them twofold…with the evil eye and the pointing of the bone. cool beans.

don’t tell anyone…

but sometimes when i’m in bed i will lift my bedcovers to smell me own bottom burps…especially when i believe it’s gunna have an exceptional bouquet to it. last night was one of those nights…talk about being ripe. shew. the LFB would have been sooo disgusted with those successes. mind you i would have tried to “sneak” them out if he was here…[he has no appreciation whatsoever for female farts]…but without him i can just let ‘em rip, reverberating in their full glory wherever i be in me flats confines. farts are funny. and i will say nothing gives more relief than expelling that gas that builds sometimes painfully in the belly.

i would like to add before you all think i am completely uncouth…i believe bottom burps should be kept to oneself, family and sometimes close personal friends…if they are of the same view. wellll, at least until i’m sixty then all youse people are gunna get to hear, smell and ‘taste’ my efforts…”ahaahaa!! choke on that you innocent passer-by”.

well it’s shopping day tomorrow…and we are supposedly leaving around *shriek* seven am. what the fuck! seven am…whhhhyyy????…there’s a surprise lunchtime birthdee barbie for my older brother out at the oldies place…and more shock and horror i reckon i will attend. yes, yes i know, they will no doubt be as surprised as me if when i turn up…*grin*

so i have been having a like/dislike relationship with the blog traffic site blog mad…well not so much the site as such but with how it works…just the other night i put my blog up then decided to remove it [yet again] all in the space of forty-five minutes…“arghhh fer buggerys sake make up my mind won’t i”…think i’ll jest continue as a member so as to read the other blogs that flow thru it…but remain in me smaller safer splash pool…at least for the time being.

aww crap!…i will have to venture out up to the shop later. i know i won’t be able to eke out my milk until tomorrow…and we certainly don’t want to be a strung out coffee-less fiend at midnight tonight, do we. nopers we don’t. frig! i knew i should have grabbed a litre the other day on my way home from work. was gunna but i got the shits looking at the boyfriend of the shop owners daughter just sitting there reading and stuffing his fucked up face features with food while i waited and waaaited some more at the checkout…

now i realise he probably wasn’t ‘able’ to work the cash register…but i hate being completely ignored for three ticking minutes. a “she won’t be long” would have calmed my slowly seething burn…[huh i CAN be a pissy britches aye...heehee]…so i walked out muttering unchristian comments and took my money to the other local shop where naturally i forgot the milk among my purchases. maybe i was still too busy muttering about fucktards in my head…and NOW i pay the price for it…*cackle*…oh well aye, spose it will get me out for the day.

anyway, off to see if zee old blogger has sped up any in the viewing of your blogs.

**wtf is up with trying to post…keep getting a stinking error. continually. bastids!

***well bugger me…it finally worked…funny that the “posted” time was like about five hours ago…but it’s only just worked now. oh well now we are off and away. YaaY

hmmmm…

so here it be wednesday…and here i be having jigged wensdee workday once again. oooh i’m so baaad. i should sack myself for poor attendance…naah fuckit…i’m the best employee i got. tho i did venture out and drive two of me old tarts to the local pub for their arthritic knees up with the rest of the towns oldsters. so i didn’t completely slack off.

i feel like i have ‘lost my edge’ since foregoing the pot…have certainly lost my enthusiasm for stuff…not to mention the concentration…well that isn’t completely correct i mean i sat here last night into the wee hours fuck arsing around with this template eh. so i still can garner some concentration.

the good dick is picking me up a three kilo bag of the white powder today…ten bucks can’t beat the price uh. so maybe later on tonight i will be elbow deep in making more casts. contemplating making some replicas of my body bits to send over to the LFB…reckon a girl could get into some trouble with that stuff aye…

“and here’s a cast of my arse and it’s freckle…(_*_)…fer yer fondling pleasure”.

well dammit!!. i hate that. always makes me bloody jump…we have these stoopid birds over here called peewees, they are like the retards of the bird world…i have lost count of the many times they fly full tilt into my lounge room window…the first couple of times it happened i thought some bastid was spudding my flat. i’d go to the front door…look out with a scowl…no-one would be giggling. so then i would lie in wait peering out thru the smallest gap in the blind with me blue eyed beadie trying to catch the spudding culprit. eventually i would give up and sit down then another thud would come. wasn’t til i started leaving the blind up more than i usually do, did i discover who was behind the window hits.

reminds me of the time when i was still living out of town in my lovely secluded home…was in the computer room. son was asleep and ex was still down in sydney. was pitch black outside when suddenly the loudest thump on my window happened, rattled that big sucker bigtime. well i just about shit myself and froze not wanting to look out at whatever caused it…[i mean you hear of isolated houses and their occupants being targeted by the knife wielding, hockey masked criminally insane every now and again] within a minute or so me bravery [lol] kicked in…i gingerly looked out…no-one to be seen.

got up closer to the window put my face up against it…hands cupped around to shut out the rooms light…*scanning left…scanning right*…nothing. hmmm *look down* and there sat this big bloody owl looking back up at me with the expression of “what the FUCK just happened then”. it must have given itself a good whack as it sat there for a good ten minutes trying to shake off the collisions effect.

stoopid owl…was gunna venture out there and kick it’s feathered arse along the length of the veranda for scaring the absolute crap out of me. but then i thought hell it might have been slammed at the window by the knife wielding dude.

*rolls eyes*

** well YaaY got the comment thingo visible again…and scottage just in case you drop by again thank you for your suggestion but all that did was underline my “recent blurts” but hey thank you all the same…had to put it here because your comment section goes to an error all the time

well stuff it…

have spent the last stinking hour and more trying to make my “post a comment” bloody well visible.

fucked if i know what i have done or need to do…*screaaaam*

so at the moment you need to hover over that section to see it and use it…*screeches more*

but ooer…look at me NOW mah…i looves this one…think i’m done with the changes…well EXCEPT fer that stinking comment problem.

*sigh*…i need to git to bed.

**well fuck a duck…now it’s THERE again.

*struts out like i’m someone*…

someone who has been showered and shaved. well haphazardly shaved. the LFB would be horrified at how much hairier i let me legs get now. actually, even sometimes i’m horrified but obviously not enough to shave them more cleanly and more often aye.

yep there was once upon a time when they were done every day. tho i would give it a miss every few days when i was working at the club. got smart, see…the next managers uniform change we had i went with the tailored duds instead of the skirts. and twerent that a bloody lovely improvement…no more black stockings for the little spiky hairs to find their way thru and annoy the crap out of me. i’ve still got them suits somewhere. don’t ask me why.

somehow when i was scrubbing my face i took a slice out of my snout with a fingernail…bloody cut them the other day too. i am usually less dangerous to myself [and others] with shortened nails. damn thing is stinging slightly and of course a finger goes to it every now and again…guess i do that just to remind meself of what i’m capable of when left to me own showering devices.

which reminds me of this time not that bloody long ago [the LFB was still over here] when i was trimming strays and generally neatening up with a pair of scissors. and before i knew it i had somehow snipped a sliver outta me tip. fuck i near pee’d down my leg with the realisation and the pain of what i had just done. was like a paper cut. have been extra bloody careful with them scissors since. shew…even the remembering of it makes me wince. oh well, live and learn aye…especially in that area.

so i have decided that the oldies activity for tomorrow will be games…”yes, the game of lets see how long it takes them to irritate the crappers out of me”…naah talking bout board games…that way i can be out from under their little sunken black currant beadies while i glue on the magnets to their plaster of paree stuff. which for the main part they painted up quite garishly gloriously. gawd love ‘em. but hell what do i care how they painted them, kept them occupied huh. plus now i get to arm meself with a hot glue gun and just let them try my patience for anything. ha! back the hell away from me, old girls

so now its nearly half past three in the arvo and i have managed to not be siren-songed by that bloody lounge for a nap *must resist…must resist* okay, shouldna mentioned it, as now i keep looking at it…lovingly.

mmm hmmm…

If that bloody dog does NOT stop its periodic high pitched bark. I will be forced to go out there, find where it lives and then bitchslap it one.

I guess I don’t do real well on no sleep huh.

So. Here it is nearly eight am. With the whole day ahead of me. Wonder what I will do with it. Really should do some cleaning up around here…*looks around*…meh. Maybe.

I am half expecting a visit from my mother and her sister. Bloody hope not. Might make a phone call later to head them off. That’s if I can get thru…my father being the internet whore that he is will have the phone line all tied up until at least eleven am. Hmmm so that’s where I got it from.

So, I tried that blog mad thingo…it became kinda annoying to view the same blog four times in the one short session…funny that it was a christian spouting blog…wonder if ’someone’ was trying to tell me something. Bloody hard to type with your elbows because yer fingers are attempting to gouge out yer eyes.

Anyway, as I can still see. I was unsuccessful.

Yesterday afternoon I had to stop my nose from sliding off my face and perching on the brick wall overlooking the neighbours yard. They had a barbie happening…frig it smelled good…ouff fried onions…gets the drool happening every time. I miss not having a barbie tea…it’s not like I don’t actually OWN a bbq…but I like it when it comes with the inbuilt cook…preferably a little fat bastid of a one. Oh well, I was forced to satisfy myself with just snorting up the wafts.

If they dare to have another one tonight. I will have to kill them.

After they have cooked it…naturally.