so there i laid…

on the lounge around midnight last night. occasionally passing a bottom burp and barking out a laugh at scrubs. when i heard movement out in my backyard. huh. i sit paused with ears straining that sounds bigger than that bastid cat from next door that believes my yard is his outside dunny.

noises cease.

i revert back to my lounge lizard self minus the bottom burps.

heard it again. sit upright peering over the lounge and out thru the glass doors, wondering if i had locked them.

when i spy shadowy movement. closer.

“WHATAREYOUDOING!”…i roar like the freaked out crazy woman that i was.

it is two bloody girls looking for my son.

big mean frowns followed by a curt…”he is asleep in bed”

WTF…is wrong with parents letting their kids wander about town after midnight.

and more to the point letting them wander about in MY backyard.

shew i just amazed myself just then. i have the reflexes of a…a…well buggered if i know but something damn quick. i just snatched a bothersome fly that was let in by the son and his mate clean out of the air as it passed by between my nose and the monitor.

okay time to be getting back to the white powder…or perhaps just a game or two of blogmad’s hangman first, just while i suck down a coffee.

todays word is concupiscence = a strong desire, especially sexual desire; lust.

hmmm them bloody girlies better not be entertaining any of that regarding my fourteen year old son. i believe i should be finding myself a big frigging stick.

uh huh these four…

days off i am doing something!!

dunno what exactly it will be that i am doing but dammit i will be doing “it”.

now what is it i can do that does not involve planting the arse here in front of the computer. hmmm…

i have to finish off…well start really…the old tarts easter craft activity for tuesday…which entails yes more of that heavenly white powder. again, i have a shit load of them to produce. so lets hope i get cracking on them before monday…or else it will be that running around like a headless chook look.

spose i could de-spider the place. the ceilings and cornices are rife with their webby artwork.

will have to do that cooking bizo as i have the spawn from my loins for five or so nights running. it’ll be good to give some structure to my eating habits…not just making do with a vegemite sanga whenever i feel the hunger pangs. so tonight’s menu will be crumbed pork, fried tatties and salad. sounds bloody good don’t it. why yes it do.

[twenty minutes later]

okay…washing has been hung out on the line.

the loo has been domestofied, de-pubed and scrubbed.

whoa. look at me aye. i so fucking rock. don’t think i don’t know all youse out there are jealous and so want my happening life. ha. bugger off.

now i deserve a few games of hangman on blogmad. bloody game has sucked me in big time. tho now i do know that uxorious = being foolishly fond of, excessively submissive or devoted to one’s wife. so to all you husbands under the thumb out there…that’s what you are. u-x-o-r-i-o-u-s. or as we would simply term it…pussy whipped. heh.

well bugger…

i am sad to report that i am not, i repeat not sitting here four million bucks richer…not that i would probably report it here if i was…it’s alll mine i tell ya. so i guess i will be buying a ticket in next weeks draw after all…it actually being the one for twenty-one million, which i did think was this weeks draw hence the ticket buying.

so what have i done with myself over the past couple of days…hmmm nothing out of the ordinary. well you don’t really expect anything BUT the ordinary to happen here with me. eh.

tho a lesson was learnt…before i plop down on the loo to release my bowels, do check to see if the fruit of my loins has raised his blind in the room directly opposite. would save that eye to eye contact with the neighbours ex-boyfriend driving into the complex. no, i don’t bloody close the door…such a small space and with just me [usually] here. welll, i don’t see the need for it really. so glad i wasn’t doing the screwed up face straining look. how unbecoming.

good gawd i wish i had a few cones in me…life is so much more quicker when i have. not to mention i can amuse myself more. did i tell you a couple of weeks back that i resorted to asking at the chemists for a bottle of nyquil? no? yes? anyway, yes i did…bloody don’t have it do they…the one assistant i asked called the other one over and then a conversation ensued over it…they’d never frigging heard of it. so i came home with some crappy stuff called nyal instead. could hardly walk out without something after all the quizzing etc. fuck.

oh well, life drones on unaided i guess.

i swear there is more fucking traffic coming and going from these flats than in the whole township. in…out…in…out. if it’s not the neighbours ex-boyfriend bubba, its her ex-husband doug, if it’s not them, it’s her tootling in and out. constantly. i am seriously thinking of putting in a carpet of road spikes…may slow them up with the in and out bizo for a bit.

welll helloo to missus crabby pants. meh.

somehow i knew…

that the heels clicking up the communal driveway did not belong to someone that i wanted to get out of my bed on a saturday morning at nine-ish to open the door for.

but i did.

get out of bed that is. then i crept out to the lounge room to spy two lower body halves [viewable by my barely up blind] dressed a tad too smartly for this wee hour. instantly i knew i was being blessed with a visit by the jesus jockeys.

now that’s just heaven on a stick.

i stood there motionless with the thought of opening the door if but just to breathe my morning breath all over them in big walloping gusts…”hiiiii, howwww are youuuu bothhhh thissss morniiiing”…punctuated by a leg lifting bottom burp and a long lazy scratch around the nether regions.

i heard something being folded then deposited under my screen door.

the heels receded further up the driveway towards the other flats…they must love coming across flats, units etc…the ratio of steps taken and knockable door opportunities. then the assault on my side door leading from the carport was next. persistent little bastids aren’t they. hmmm maybe they thought they could trick me.

as i watched their lower halves clicking back out i knew that they had no luck at the other three flats.

so here’s a tip to future jesus jockeys…wear non clicky heels…you might get that foot in my door. well not really “in” but it may be opened in error.

oh and under my screen door was a nice little pamphlet from the watch tower people…that’s the jehovies innit?…with a section on the back for further information or a free home bible study please write to…blah blah. so now i am thinking of helping those here in town that could do with a bit of religion up them and writing off for more info to be sent to their home addresses.

*sigh* i do such good work…now i am off to polish me halo.

after visiting with…

my brother on tuesday i am somewhat relieved that i had the foresight not to go to the parents barbie. namely because i don’t do real good with drunks who annoy the crap out of me by repeating the same boozy complaints over and over.

ohh. just shut the fuck UP!

things do not appear to be travelling happily along in judy and mal’s marriage of a few months…been together for over twenty years and just recently got married…yeah fucked if i know why you would bother exactly after that amount of time. but have a sneaking suspicion it was done because another set of neighbours did it…you know how it goes, all that one-upmanship bullshit. but hey each to their own.

tho i just don’t see the point of clocking up thousands on a credit card just to stick it up someone else. which is exactly what they did…nothing but the [cough] best. pity judy didn’t spend some of the cash matching her neck and arm teeshirt reddish tan line to her strapless dress line. not a particularly alluring sight in a white wedding dress.

so judy got [more] legless and was taken home early on by their eldest daughter which left mal the opportunity to bleat openly about their marital problems. endlessly. repeatedly. again, glad i didn’t bother to go. as i quite like mal but probably wouldn’t so much after having to listen to it. that kinda talk makes me uncomfortable. who wants to have inside knowledge of their sex life or knowing that she has completely gone off her rocker concerning him watching tv.

tv programs that often show the semi-naked female form to which she gives him much grief about. apparently he couldn’t even watch the commonwealth games without her bitching that he was perving at the female athletes etc. maybe he should switch to the football channel to be on the safer side, big boofy blokes in footy shorts should calm her ire…but then again they have the cheer leaders huh.

oh well bet that was a happy household he went home to later on. eh.

so i am convinced…

after last nights phone message that my sisters mother smokes crack.

i made the *note to self* that i will no longer listen to messages on my phone at two in the morning…it’s not like i can return the call to workout the verbal hieroglyphics of said phone call…but does that stop me from replaying it in my mind trying to decipher it all…hell no.

my mum is mad and i love her heaps for it…funny old chook she is.

so in returning the phone call this morning all is sorted…mind you apparently the call was made thursday afternoon and i checked it this morning at two am…so how good am i aye. had the invite out to a barbie but declined after hearing the guest list…not that i would have really went anyway. but then again i kinda like to “watch” this particular guest. she is the typical mrs have a gossip-know-everything and as i have mentioned before i frigging love hearing the so-called goings on around the town.

when this woman was introduced to my brother who i will say without a *shudder* incestual [yes, yes bugger off little red squiggly line it is too a word...ha] thought in my head is quite a good-looking bloke and is bloody funny to boot. well old judy hooper just about creams herself in trying to get his attention and engage him in conversation.

now lemme tell you this women is pretty damn rough around the facial arena…oh okay tactfulness be-gone she is just plain old ugly i know she can’t help it but she is…and watching her do the old femme fatale look and actions is just too bloody funny. i hover between wanting to slap her to her senses or just pat her arm in a motion of “now c’mon…seriously judy, do you really think??”…but hell as i said she is great visual and audible fodder. plus it makes me laugh watching my brother have to deal with her…*cackle*.

i know that i make judy and her husband mal a wee bit uncomfortable with both mine and my ex’s presence at any of my families do’s…and hell no that is not the reason why i don’t often attend these functions…i just don’t go. but it is kinda weird to watch them be unsure of how to act around the two of us…all that feeling of having to take sides i spose…which is something my ex and i managed to NOT contend with…hell we still go shopping together and basically treat each other as we did when we were together…just without the occasional rubbing of wee-wees together.

now don’t get me wrong these are good people but damn they can be so in your face…i remember when we first moved up here and my ex was still working down in sydney during the week…well old mal and judy musta have thought i was lonely…lonely enough to enjoy seeing their car drive up thru the front paddocks gate in the early morning.

“mum don’t you like the hoop’s?”… “yes mate, just not at eight in the morning”

now the country hospitality is to have a cuppa or two then move on…one fuck-king morning i plied them with six…SIX cups in the space of two hours before they did indeed move on. i kept thinking…okay one more cup and then surely they will piss off.

the next morning i hid in the high windowed bathroom…fuck that, i can’t take that every morning visiting stuff. nor could i just straight up tell them to just bloody-well bugger off, as that would have hurt their feelings plus all that being friends of my parents blah blah and all. thankfully they eventually stopped the every morning visits…i kinda suspect they heard me knocking some bath salts clattering into the tub.

oh well aye.

whilst beating my meat tonight…

i was thinking back on what has been the highlight of my week thus far. it would have to be finding a total of nineteen pkts of chips in the advertised multi flavoured fifteen pkt bag. yep there were seven pkts of bbq instead of the normal three. guess someone was pissed at the company and was trying to eat away at their profits. all i can say is, well done mister/missus chip packer…please continue with yer pissiness whilst packing.

okay gotta go…my steak has cooked to within an inch of its life.

sent to me by my dad…

“This is great and takes a lot of skill towards the end so keep a steady hand.

Apparently only 1 in 10 people are able to finish it.

You need your sound on and turn it up loud.”

try it===>here

well shit aye…

did the shopping expedition, pretty uneventful. tho i was coughed on by a passing shopper and no the coughing wasn’t a reaction to a “uh oh” [heh heh jdee] from me…and yes i managed NOT to chase her down and roll over her with my fully loaded shopping trolley whilst berating her about her lack of basic frigging manners…but don’t you worry i remember her poorly dyed old pony-tailed head…she’ll keep…*wink*

so i made the effort and rocked on over for my brothers forty-third birthday barbie celebration out at the olds bush haven…yes i know yaay for me, beings that our younger sister wasn’t able to attend i thought i better make the effort so that at least one of his siblings was there.

anyway, we were sitting around on the veranda just yapping away when my aunty jiings started telling my brother and i that we are descendents of a lady by the name of alice nutter who was found ‘guilty’ of being a witch and was hanged in a public execution along with a few more “pendle witches” at lancaster gaol way back in 1612…

upon further reading turns out poor alice who happened to be a wealthy landowner appears to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time and got caught up in the witchiepoo accusations. apparently, my great aunt who still lives in england had sent my bad granny all this information regarding our family history quite a few years back and bad granny burnt it…bad bad granny!

but that’s not all that was revealed…

they [my mum and my aunt] told us something that i have suspected for a very bloody long time…ever since i saw a photo of their father [who was killed when my mum was just sixteen]…my grandfather’s grandmother [perhaps great grandmother i forget...all these great and grands] was an undiluted aboriginal. HA!…i fucken KNEW IT….*cackle*…hmmm, as i type i am plotting my land reclaim somewhere…but hell that does explain my brothers colouring [he has that lovely olive skin] and explains a second cousins nose…*giggle*.

so yeaah…what an interesting afternoon…and lookout anybody that pisses me off i will be able to ‘curse’ them twofold…with the evil eye and the pointing of the bone. cool beans.

don’t tell anyone…

but sometimes when i’m in bed i will lift my bedcovers to smell me own bottom burps…especially when i believe it’s gunna have an exceptional bouquet to it. last night was one of those nights…talk about being ripe. shew. the LFB would have been sooo disgusted with those successes. mind you i would have tried to “sneak” them out if he was here…[he has no appreciation whatsoever for female farts]…but without him i can just let ‘em rip, reverberating in their full glory wherever i be in me flats confines. farts are funny. and i will say nothing gives more relief than expelling that gas that builds sometimes painfully in the belly.

i would like to add before you all think i am completely uncouth…i believe bottom burps should be kept to oneself, family and sometimes close personal friends…if they are of the same view. wellll, at least until i’m sixty then all youse people are gunna get to hear, smell and ‘taste’ my efforts…”ahaahaa!! choke on that you innocent passer-by”.

well it’s shopping day tomorrow…and we are supposedly leaving around *shriek* seven am. what the fuck! seven am…whhhhyyy????…there’s a surprise lunchtime birthdee barbie for my older brother out at the oldies place…and more shock and horror i reckon i will attend. yes, yes i know, they will no doubt be as surprised as me if when i turn up…*grin*

so i have been having a like/dislike relationship with the blog traffic site blog mad…well not so much the site as such but with how it works…just the other night i put my blog up then decided to remove it [yet again] all in the space of forty-five minutes…“arghhh fer buggerys sake make up my mind won’t i”…think i’ll jest continue as a member so as to read the other blogs that flow thru it…but remain in me smaller safer splash pool…at least for the time being.

aww crap!…i will have to venture out up to the shop later. i know i won’t be able to eke out my milk until tomorrow…and we certainly don’t want to be a strung out coffee-less fiend at midnight tonight, do we. nopers we don’t. frig! i knew i should have grabbed a litre the other day on my way home from work. was gunna but i got the shits looking at the boyfriend of the shop owners daughter just sitting there reading and stuffing his fucked up face features with food while i waited and waaaited some more at the checkout…

now i realise he probably wasn’t ‘able’ to work the cash register…but i hate being completely ignored for three ticking minutes. a “she won’t be long” would have calmed my slowly seething burn…[huh i CAN be a pissy britches aye...heehee]…so i walked out muttering unchristian comments and took my money to the other local shop where naturally i forgot the milk among my purchases. maybe i was still too busy muttering about fucktards in my head…and NOW i pay the price for it…*cackle*…oh well aye, spose it will get me out for the day.

anyway, off to see if zee old blogger has sped up any in the viewing of your blogs.

**wtf is up with trying to post…keep getting a stinking error. continually. bastids!

***well bugger me…it finally worked…funny that the “posted” time was like about five hours ago…but it’s only just worked now. oh well now we are off and away. YaaY